Let’s Talk About Orgasms: Why They Matter, Why They’re Overhyped, and What the Data Gets Hilariously Right
Orgasms— the one topic we probably don’t talk about at the dinner table, but should be talking about in the bedroom. Or the shower. Or on a walk with a partner. Who says orgasms are taboo, anyway!?
If you’re new here, hi — I’m Aly, a licensed couples therapist and Head of Relationships at Paired. We’re working hard to help couples get closer emotionally AND physically, including how to get out of their heads and into their bodies.
So let’s go there.
Why Orgasms Are Important (But Not Everything)
Let’s get this out of the way first: Orgasms are not the only marker of a great sex life.
In fact, when people get overly focused on "finishing," they often miss the point of intimacy altogether. That said, orgasms do matter — not just for pleasure, but for health and connection.
Research shows that orgasms:
However, research also shows that A LOT of other activities lead to those same outcomes, like:
My point is, if you’re struggling to orgasm, YOU ARE NOT DOOMED to live a sad lonely life.
Why Orgasms Are Totally Overhyped
Here’s what I see in my practice: people chasing orgasms like they’re proof of success. “If I didn’t come, does it even count as sex?” “If he doesn’t finish, does that mean he’s not attracted to me?”
So much pressure is tied to the orgasm itself, and that alone makes it harder to achieve!
An orgasm is one possible destination on the map but the journey, the presence, the emotional safety, the exploration, the fun… that’s what make a sexual experience fulfilling.
So, what happens when we don’t orgasm? Or fake it? Or feel like we’re always left hanging?
Well, let’s look at what the data says...
Funny (and Slightly Concerning) Orgasm Stats
A recent survey gave us some insight into how Americans are feeling (and faking) in the bedroom, and the results were too good not to share. (We threw in some politics to keep it interesting for you):
🧨 Democrats fake it the most (43.2%, to be exact).
🛏️ 17% of people are in a full-blown sex drought — zero sex in a typical week.
🎯 Independents report the most orgasms per month (4.85), narrowly beating Republicans and Democrats. Who knew orgasms were bipartisan?
🥇 1 in 5 say they’re “gold medalists” at orgasms (22.6% of Independents, we see you).
😬 37% have faked an orgasm — and 30% say their partner never noticed.
Translation? We’re having some sex. We’re not always loving it. And a lot of us are performing instead of connecting.
So, What Makes a Real Orgasm (Not Just a Performed One)?
In my clinical work, the best orgasms often happen when someone feels:
- Safe in their body
- Emotionally connected to their partner
- Curious instead of pressured
- Allowed to be messy, imperfect, and slow
That’s not something you can always schedule on a shared Google Calendar (though shout-out to the 67% of Democrats who’ve tried scheduling sex). Sometimes to achieve this kind of calm and safety, you need a little help. That’s why I recorded a guided orgasm meditation for you. It’s simple, it’s safe, and it takes just 7 minutes to relax and start feeling the possibility that your body can be your friend again. Take a listen here:
5 Therapist-Approved Questions to Ask Yourself Today
Ultimately, I do hope that your orgasms exist and are fulfilling. In order to get there, start with some reflection. Here’s your homework. Grab a journal and answer these 5 questions.
- Do I feel emotionally safe and relaxed during sex or am I performing?
- What’s my relationship like with my body right now? Do I feel connected to it?
- When was the last time I gave myself permission to explore pleasure without pressure?
- Do I communicate my preferences or just hope my partner guesses them?
- Am I chasing orgasm… or connection?
If these feel confronting, you’re not alone. But if you’re willing to explore them, they can unlock more satisfying, connected, and real sexual experiences.
Final Thought
Whether you’re in the “gold medalist” camp or haven’t crossed the finish line in months, today’s a great day to reflect, reset, and maybe even initiate that awkward-but-worth-it conversation with your partner.
Because let’s be honest, orgasms are great.
But feeling seen, safe, and connected?
That’s the real finish line.
