What is Breadcrumbing?

Modern dating isn’t easy. With an array of new dating behaviors, it’s important to know the lingo in order to sidestep any landmines. 

So, what is breadcrumbing? Despite their late-night texts or vague promises, if you have a love interest who is confined to your social media likes — you could be getting led on by your very own breadcrumber. 

Often defined as an elaborate version of Hansel and Gretel, it’s best to get to the bottom of why people breadcrumb in order to sweep away the crumbs for good. 

What is an example of breadcrumbing? 

Breadcrumbing behaviors come in many different forms, whether sprinkled amongst your DM’s or lurking in your likes. If they react with a fire emoji every time you post a bikini picture but don’t continue the conversation, or say you should meet up but never make plans — you likely have a breadcrumber in your midst. 

"I have had clients agonizing on the therapy couch over someone they see viewing their stories, offering little comments but never fully making plans or fully going away,” says Moraya Seeger DeGeare, a licensed marriage and family therapist and In-House Expert at Paired.

“That feeling of them being just close enough to stay interesting but also not close enough to really enjoy can be exhausting."

These examples are particularly relevant if they’re reoccurring, as breadcrumbers tend to amp up their pursuit once they feel you start to lose interest in their games. Then once you pick up the trail again, and as you sit eagerly awaiting the next crumb — they leave you with nothing. 

This is likely a sign of their own innate narcissism, they have to be sure that you want them before they return to their non-committal agenda. This kind of behavior can be very taxing on your mental health and self-esteem, as this cycle can leave you feeling hurt and led on by someone who has no good intentions. 

Breadcrumbing vs. gaslighting 

While both gaslighting and breadcrumbing can be classed as manipulative behaviors, they are both very different things in terms of intent and emotional impact. 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person sows seeds of doubt in their loved one to make them question their own sanity. While this tactic is usually done from a place of control, breadcrumbing is more about validation and attention — keeping someone forever ‘on the hook’ without offering them a genuine connection or relationship. 

While both behaviors can be harmful, gaslighting is a more serious manipulation tactic with a greater psychological impact. 

Breadcrumbing vs. poor communication

Before you brand your latest Hinge match as a breadcrumbing narcissist, it’s important to consider the less detrimental options. 

For example, some people are unfamiliar with the ways of online dating, and may not realize the certain etiquette rules that are involved. Even if they don’t realize they’re doing it, a lack of clear communication can waste both your time and your emotional energy. 

If you think your romantic interest may just be behind on their correspondence, it’s best to raise the issue of communication early on and set boundaries to ensure you’re both equally invested in a prospective romantic relationship. 

"It's good to stay curious about why something is happening, rather than jumping to labeling a behavior,” says Seeger DeGeare. 

“Shyness can be misinterpreted as breadcrumbing as well. So, being bold and clear about your interest can help give people a green light that doing more than just liking a post is welcomed.”

What is the end goal of breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing perpetrators commit this dating crime for many reasons, with some reasons more sinister than others. 

Usually, if someone is consistently popping in and out of your notifications, they’re probably lonely and checking to see if you’re still interested in order to get the validation and attention they need. This reasoning usually goes hand in hand with keeping their options open, so they can get this kind of attention from as many sources as they need. 

While for some breadcrumbing is all about the ego boost, other people plant breadcrumb trails rather than dealing with larger issues. For example, they might be afraid of commitment and want to break it off, but want to avoid the potential confrontation that actual communication might turn into. 

In some cases, in the beginning stages of a relationship, they may not want to breadcrumb but are uncertain about how to proceed. Being nervous about jumping into a serious commitment is a normal feeling, but it’s important to tackle these feelings in a more productive way. 

How to deal with breadcrumbing in a relationship

If you believe you’re being breadcrumbed in a relationship or during the dating process, it’s crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being and avoid a toxic relationship. 

A key part of emotional manipulation is that it makes you doubt yourself. However, it’s important to recognize and validate your feelings when your partner’s inconsistent behavior bothers you. 

Try and have a candid conversation with the person about how their actions are making you feel. If they were engaging in breadcrumbing tactics without realizing it, hopefully, they would make positive changes. 

If they don’t make these changes, it’s best to break up in order to preserve your own wellness. Take some time to focus on self-care in order to help mitigate the emotional toll of breadcrumbing, and ensure you set boundaries to safeguard you in the future. 

"Sometimes the simplest thing is the hardest thing to do: hit that unfollow button,” says Seeger DeGeare. 

“We often feel like this is a huge message, but in reality, it's your social media. If interacting with someone is causing you to stress and confusion, and you have tried to address it directly with no avail, it might be time to clean up your timeline a bit."