34 Intimate Questions to Ask Your Partner and Deepen Your Connection

Boost your connection with these research-backed intimate questions for couples
on February 26, 2024
Read time: 10 mins

When you’re in a relationship and life takes over — bills, children, and managing diaries — it’s hard to make time for each other and build on your intimacy. However, getting to know each other better will help to build a happier future in which you grow together, rather than apart. So, we put together some intimate questions to ask your partner.  

Studies show that self-disclosure and open communication help build emotional intimacy in romantic relationships, which is especially important for relationship satisfaction

But the level of intimacy you feel in a relationship ebbs and flows over time. It’s normal to occasionally grow distant from your partner, that’s why it’s crucial to prioritize your relationship to stay connected and curious. 

Not sure what intimate questions to ask your partner? Finding the best relationship questions for couples can be tough, especially when you feel like you know them already. Below are the best intimate questions to ask your significant other, scientifically proven to build intimacy, and the research behind why they’re worth asking. 

Or, if you want to make this kind of research-backed conversation part of your daily routine, the Paired app is the perfect place to start.  

Key Takeaways
  • Asking your significant other intimate questions about your relationship is inherent to deepening your emotional and physical connection. While the flow of intimacy in a relationship naturally varies, deliberate communication and self-disclosure are pivotal for maintaining emotional closeness and satisfaction.
  • Intimacy isn't solely about sexual connections but also involves emotional bonding, shared goals, humor, respect for boundaries, and mutual support. These intimacy questions for couples cover a wide range of topics from sexual desires and preferences to emotional vulnerabilities, dreams, fears, and practical aspects of relationship maintenance.
  • To achieve enhanced physical and emotional connection, the Paired app is the perfect app to start integrating such conversations into daily routines, indicating a proactive approach to relationship improvement.
  • Overall, we underscore the importance of both partners engaging in these conversations for mutual benefit, aiming for collective growth and increased relationship satisfaction rather than individual fulfillment.

What are some personal questions to ask your partner to deepen your connection?

Intimacy comes in so many different forms in a relationship, and it’s equally important to work on all of these aspects together to ensure a healthy and happy future. 

Even though small talk isn’t a crime in a relationship (nor is having a bit of fun!), it’s also important to make an effort to dive a little deeper to build that kind of connection with your loved one. 

Asking your partner questions is the easiest and most effective way to achieve these goals, promoting a natural rapport and comfortability around these topics over time.

What are some intimate questions to ask your partner?

When we talk about intimacy, it isn’t always about sex! 

While your physical connection is commonly built through the act of touch or sexual intimacy, there are also a few questions that can further strengthen this connection. 

Even though talking about sex can feel a bit taboo, these questions should help get those conversations started — with surprisingly positive results! 

1. Which do you prefer, kissing or hugging? Why?

We’re all different, but choices over physical intimacy can shape how we feel in relationships. 

A study by Brigham Young University found that men and women usually prefer different forms of physical touch. According to the research findings, men prefer kisses or backrubs, while women like to be hugged.

2. Do you ever feel distracted during sex? What by?

Try and discuss this question with your partner without judgment — we all have daily stresses that get in the way of sexual desire

According to researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, one way to concentrate during sex is “sensate focusing”. This is a technique where people focus on touching and being touched, taking information in through the senses while avoiding judgmental thinking. The goal is to be present and to experience sex in the moment. 

3. What is your favorite memory in the bedroom together? 

This can be a very fun question for couples to explore the positive aspects of their sex life and allows each individual to describe their favorite parts of their connection. 

Research shows that this kind of honest communication about sexual intimacy can help boost a couple’s overall relationship satisfaction — with both partners open about their sexual wants and needs. 

4. Describe the last time you climaxed. What can I do better to get you there? 

When talking about sex, it’s common to get a little shy when broaching those more intimate details — even with your sexual partner. 

However, this sexual communication is key to both sexual and relationship satisfaction in the long term. If you can understand fully what your partner likes, and what they need to orgasm, at least there is a clear pathway to work with for the future. 

5. In an ideal situation, how often would you like to have sex? 

This may seem like a basic question, but it’s an important one!

When you’re going through a dry spell, it’s common for couples to question how often they should be having sex and how long is too long without this kind of physical intimacy. 

If you’re dealing with mismatched libidos or struggling with sexual compatibility, it can be helpful to express your ideal desires and how you can work toward a compromise that allows you both to feel comfortable and content. 

6. If you could have any sexual superpower, what would it be? 

All kinds of questions can benefit your relationship, even the silly ones!

This fun question is a great way to allow each other to open up about some things in the bedroom that you’d like to get better at, unearthing any insecurities in a safe space. 

Saying what you wish you were better at can open up a productive and meaningful conversation about your sex life and the things you want to achieve (in a more lighthearted fashion!) 

7. Do I fulfill your love language needs? 

While the exact science behind love languages is commonly disputed, they can still be a great way to understand your partner’s relationship needs. 

According to research, this awareness can actually help boost your relationship satisfaction, as you’re more in tune with what your partner wants. Studies show that physical touch releases several hormones, such as oxytocin, which can positively impact your relationship. 

This is why it’s important to check in with your partner if you’re satisfying their needs for physical touch, or if any other love languages need tending to. 

8. Would you rather have only morning sex or only sex at night for the rest of your life? 

While you might want to have sex after your big date night, your partner might prefer to wait until the morning to get in the mood. 

Instead of having expectations around when you’re going to have sex, and these being defeated, it’s helpful to have open conversations around your preferences. While thankfully you don’t actually have to rule out one or the other — it’s a helpful starting point to see when your partner is likely to be in the mood. 

9. What is your opinion on having sex on the first date? 

What’s a relationship without a few controversial questions? 

According to a survey by LoveHoney, over 70% of men are open to sex on the first date, but 61% of women are not. While it may indeed have been an intended one-night stand that started off your relationship — it can be a great question to ask to open up a wider conversation on past sexual partners and preferences (without any judgment). 

10. What is your favorite movie to get you in the mood? 

This lighthearted question can help couples open up the conversation around their turn-ons and turn-offs in a relationship. 

It can also give you some insights on what to do in the future, or even what movie is best to turn on during your next Netflix and Chill movie night. 

What questions to ask to build emotional intimacy?

Building an intimate emotional connection is a foundational aspect of any romantic relationship. This kind of intimacy isn’t built overnight and requires constant maintenance from both partners. 

Even though it might sound like a lot of work, building this kind of connection is far from a chore. These intimate questions for couples should be a good place to start!

1. What's my best habit?

Instead of focusing on habits that annoy one another, this question looks at the positive habits we bring to a relationship. Appreciating each other's strengths, one study found, meant more satisfying relationships and sex lives.

2. When did you last cry, and what was it about?

Being vulnerable in front of your partner or sharing a vulnerable moment is a great way to bond with your partner. Try to think back to the last moment you cried (beyond the last movie you blubbed in) and explore where that sadness came from.

3. What are the most important things on your bucket list?

Bucket list goals like completing a marathon or climbing a mountain sometimes feel completely out of reach, but by sharing the most important things you’d like to achieve with a partner it becomes a shared goal. 

Studies have shown that shared goals give you both something to work towards and make both of you feel like you’ve achieved it. Working towards shared goals as a couple — as well as perceived partner support for individual goals — were both related to increased happiness in relationships.

4. What is the funniest thing that’s happened to you?

Humor is important in relationships, so the ability to share your hilarious or embarrassing moments (and be able to laugh about them) is paramount. 

In fact, research shows that those in longer relationships tend to share a similar sense of humor, and couples who can laugh together reported high relationship satisfaction.

5. Is there anything you don’t feel comfortable joking about?

Setting your own boundaries and respecting your partner’s boundaries, whether they’re emotional or physical, is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship. 

In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peacetherapist Nedra Glover Tawwab writes that boundaries are “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships”. Everyone has different boundaries, so it’s vital to openly communicate each other’s needs in a relationship to safeguard them. 

6. What have you learned from past relationships that have helped you in your current relationship?

Sometimes it’s not wise to talk about past relationships, as it could make your partner feel jealous or inferior. 

However, researchers Michele Berk and Susan Andersen found that participants who felt positively about a previous partner would view others with similar qualities more favorably, than those who spoke about negative aspects.

7. What’s one thing your best friend has taught you about relationships? 

Ever wanted to be a fly on the wall when your partner has a night out with friends? Dr. John Gottman believes that a strong predictor of relationship stability is how much partners know about each other's "inner worlds". This knowledge helps them to remain connected in stressful times, rather than becoming strangers to each other.

8. What hobbies or activities do you wish you had more time for together?

If you’ve ever imagined donning matching golfing attire, then now is the time. Psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron found that starting a new hobby or activity as a couple, allows your relationship to grow and become more satisfying. Especially when you win at a couple's game!

9. What would the perfect day look like for you?

Do you plan a day with all your favorite things and then wonder why your partner looks miserable? Research from the University of Virginia shows that couples who devote time to one another at least once a week are likely to enjoy higher-quality relationships and lower divorce rates. 

10. Is there a childhood memory that you love the most?

Finding out more about your partner's past can connect you in ways that just looking at your present-day life can’t. Sharing good and bad memories of your childhood will help you see why your partner has become the person they are today, and better understand each other’s approach to romantic relationships. 

11. What's the hardest truth about love you've had to accept?

Unfortunately, real-life love isn’t like fairy tales or romcoms (much to most of our disappointments). But once we start to align our expectations of love, we can move forward. Dr. Terri Orbuch found that partners who can identify each other’s personal expectations experience greater happiness and less frustration in their relationship.

12. How does your partner inspire you?

⁠Do they work all hours to live out their dream? Do they make you want to be a better parent? Researchers at George Mason University found that the more we idealize our partners, the more satisfied we are — and in return, our partners will often work to meet that ideal too.

13. If you only had a month left to live, what would you do?

This question gives you the chance to open up and talk about your hopes and dreams for the future, which has been shown to help couples bond. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that a lot of conflict and resentment in relationships come back to unfulfilled dreams.

14. What area of our relationship would you like to improve?

It’s not easy to be open about areas of your relationship you may want to improve, but communicating how you can grow together is a positive move. 

In Kaplan and Maddux’s research on married couples, they found that couples who pursued goals together had more marital satisfaction.

15. If you won the lottery, what would you do with it?

Money issues are one of the biggest things that couples argue about, so knowing you and your partner are on the same page can bring some relief. 

Researchers at the University of Michigan found that the happiest couples tend to spend money in a similar way, whether that’s saving or indulging.

16. What do you think has been the most meaningful conversation in our relationship? 

Was it the time that you spoke about your future as a couple? Was it when you finally addressed that you don’t actually love your partner’s cooking efforts? 

No matter the topic, chatting through these conversations and why you felt they had such a positive impact on your relationship can lead to new breakthroughs in your relationship. 

17. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do you believe in soulmates? 

Is your partner a hopeless romantic? Or are they simply so head over heels in love with you, that they finally believe in the concept of soulmates? 

Asking their perspective on these romantic ideologies can help give you a better insight into their own thought patterns, and the kind of dynamic that they want in a relationship. It can also hint at your overall compatibility, as it highlights whether you’re on the same page romantically. 

18. What is your favorite way to spend time together? 

Another simple question on the surface, but it can have positive implications for your relationship. 

Research shows that the greater amount of quality time that you spend with your partner naturally increases your relationship satisfaction overall. But what should you spend this time doing? 

Opening up about how you prefer to spend your quality time together can help mold your relationship for the better. Whether you prefer cozy movie nights or fancy date nights out, these intimate conversations are essential to your relationship growth overall. 

19. When it comes to stressful situations, how would you like to handle them as a team? 

According to research, there is an inherent link between healthy conflict resolution strategies to relationship longevity and satisfaction. Asking your partner how they would ideally like to deal with stressful situations can help couples avoid arguments before they even begin. 

Does your partner prefer space to work through things alone? Or do they rely on your support to see them through? 

Asking if they want support, space, or solutions can be an incredibly beneficial starting point, as you know what they need from you before the situation even arises. 

20. What is your biggest fear and what are your biggest dreams? 

This question doesn’t have to be purely relationship-based, but getting an inside perspective into your partner’s greatest fears and desires is a landmark moment in any relationship. 

This line of questioning can encourage your partner to open up and be more vulnerable in the relationship. Ideally, they should feel comfortable enough to share these things with you, feeling like they can do so without fear of judgment. 

21. How do you think we can cater to each other’s mental health? 

On both an individual level, it’s incredibly important to be aware of your mental health and how this might be impacting your relationship. 

While everyone practices self-care in different ways, it can be helpful to open up about how you can help each other out, or when to give each other the space you need. This awareness can help prevent relationship burnout and promote individuality in your relationship dynamic — warding away codependent tendencies. 

22. If we met again for the first time, with everything you know now, what would you want to say to me? 

Not only will this question help you walk down memory lane hand in hand, but it will also help remind you how far you’ve come together and recognize the growth you have achieved as a team. 

These deep conversations promote gratitude in your relationship, helping to deepen your emotional intimacy. As despite all the odds, look at what a wonderful relationship you have built together! 

23. Do you have goals for the next year for our relationship? 

Are you in this for the long haul? 

It’s important to have individual goals that you want to achieve, but when you’re in a relationship, there should be some goals that you’re working toward as a couple. 

Whether you want to devise a couple’s bucket list, or simply set your intentions for the next year, this can be a very productive conversation — helping you to align your goals and deepen your connection in the process. 

24. What is your favorite place to go to when you need to feel safe and calm? 

Are you each other’s safe space? 

Getting a deeper insight into your partner’s comfort zone or coping strategies is an important step in any relationship. While some people might prefer to be out on an open beach to think things through, others might want to curl up in their bed. 

Being able to recognize what makes your partner feel safe and secure is essential in any relationship, as you can help them feel comfortable and recharge on their own terms. 

While you don’t have to ask your partner all these questions (you can pick and choose the ones that resonate with you the most) and the answers aren’t what matters. The point is to spark a conversation, get to know one another on a deeper level, and focus on actively listening to your partner. 

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