It’s common for couples to have quieter periods of physical intimacy. The trouble is, it can be daunting to initiate sex, especially when it’s been a while or especially if you’ve previously felt rejected by your partner. As time builds up, one or both of you may be wondering how to make the first move.
This is a very common problem for couples, and although initiating (and re-engaging in) physical intimacy can be intimidating, it doesn’t have to be. Read on for advice from sex experts on how to feel confident to initiate sex with your partner.
It’s important to understand that it’s normal to feel awkward when you initiate sex with a partner – in doing so you’re opening yourself up to feeling exposed, and rejection is something we all fear.
If we’re able to be naked physically, we can also be naked emotionally.
“Being intimate is about being vulnerable, showing our true selves. If we’re able to be naked physically, we can also be naked emotionally. And often the latter is harder than the former, particularly at the beginning of a relationship,” says Emily Hirshman-Smith, counsellor and psychotherapist.
Also remember, that you shouldn’t always assume rejection is about you, she says: “Remember If your partner says no, it might be more about their own state of mind, rather than any negative feelings towards you. They could be stressed at work, tired, just had a row with a family member or any number of reasons. Above all, these reasons need to be respected.”
Here are 4 ways to initiate sex with your husband or wife without feeling awkward:
Knowing how to initiate sex with your partner could be all down to visualization. Imagining something, in a positive light, can take away your insecurities and remind you of your desire for each other.
“Picture yourselves being intimate, how you like being touched by them, or touching them, the last time you had fantastic sex with each other, where you were; take yourself back there and replay it in your mind,” says Hirshman-Smith.
“Remember that feeling of being desired by your partner, of when you felt wanted by them, and use this memory as your booster to initiate sex.”
Gaining confidence in initiating sex is rarely done in the bedroom. Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship, as it helps you feel connected with each other.
“Set up a time to chat about it outside sexy times. Share as vulnerably and openly as you can about why you feel awkward. Listen to what your partner says without judgment,” explains somatic sex therapist, Rebecca Lowrie.
Talking while walking dilutes the intensity, and makes it easier to approach difficult topics, such as sex, with your partner.
Talking about your sex life can be just as awkward as initiating sex, but Hirshman-Smith believes walking and talking is a great way to relieve any embarrassment.
“Often talking while walking dilutes the intensity, and makes it easier to approach difficult topics, such as sex, with your partner. Plus, being on neutral territory, outside your living environment, can promote a more open conversation. It still might feel awkward to begin with, but the more you talk and cross that line, the better you will invariably feel.”
Sex should always be fun, so if you’ve both started to take it too seriously, it’s time to reframe it and inject some fun into your sex life
“Initiate sex by suggesting a bath or shower together, or even dancing together around the living room, perhaps starting with silly dancing, leading to slower, more intimate dancing,” suggests Hirshman-Smith,
“You could also play a game together and have fun, or have a food fight and tease each other. Feeling good in each other's company will help you feel closer to each other and therefore more open to initiating sex.”
Putting pressure on you and your partner to perform in the bedroom is stressful – it's tough to go from the everyday realities to sexy talk. So aim to build up the anticipation throughout the day; that way, when you or your partner initiate sex later, it will feel like a natural next step.
“Tend to the flames of intimacy between you, whether you’re in a sexual moment or not,” says Lowrie. “Kiss, caress, hug, play, touch, and flirt often. Hold hands. Whisper in each other’s ears. Send them a love letter telling them what you’d like to do with them later.”
You could also try sexting, throughout the day, says Hirshman-Smith: “it will help reignite some interplay and excitement which was likely more present in the early part of your relationship.”
She says: “Send flirty sexts – talk about what you'd like to do to your partner, or what you'd like them to do to you – this can go on for a few hours or days.”