Want to know how to improve your relationship? Start with the science. All relationships go through tough times and challenges, and if you’re struggling in your relationship, take heart.
Great relationships don’t happen by luck. According to research, several specific skills and actions strengthen our relationships.
Here are the top relationship tips backed by research — as well as our fantastic group of couples therapists, experts, and academics — that are guaranteed to increase your relationship satisfaction and happiness.
Happy couples form what scientists call a “secure base” so they can grow more, together and individually, than they would have been apart. “It’s as if they’re on a lifelong adventure where they enthusiastically support growth,” says Dr. Duana Welch, relationship expert and author of Love Factually.
“Set aside some couples time to brainstorm something to achieve together, and something to achieve individually with one another’s whole-hearted backing.”
It may not come as a surprise that couples who agree to share chores at home are more likely to be happier in their relationships.
There is, however, one important caveat — this only works if the different responsibilities are clearly defined for each partner. According to findings by Pew Research, agreeing on tasks in advance enabled partners to fulfill their duties without interference, and were more likely to feel valued and respected for their contributions.
Couples who share memories — particularly autobiographical ones — feel closer than those that don’t, according to a study led by Li Guan, a social scientist from Cornell University.
And what better time than the start of the year says Dr. Jacqui Gabb, professor of sociology and intimacy at The Open University and Chief Relationship Officer at Paired?
“As good cheer may be in short supply at present, lift your spirits by recalling a time over the past 12 months when you laughed out loud together. Recall the moment and enjoy those positive feelings again.”
Few couples take the time to practice the simple act of daily conversation that helps them understand each other better and get stronger as a couple.
“Couples know such details as their partners’ weekly schedules, pet peeves, and hygiene habits, however, there is a lot more to find out,” says Professor of Sociology at Oakland University and relationship expert, Dr. Terri Orbuch — aka The Love Doctor.
“My advice is to set aside 10 minutes a day to talk together about anything under the sun except kids, work, household tasks, or your relationship! You can talk about sports, movies, articles you’ve read, where you would like to travel to if you won the lottery, or what superhero power you wish you had. The point is you’re making room to get to know your partner again,” she says.
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman places a lot of importance on reunions for couples. He suggests that when you see your partner at the end of the day, share a hug and a kiss that lasts at least six seconds followed by a conversation about your day.
As well as providing moments of reconnection and intimacy, these activities become a symbolic way to shut the door on work, creating a boundary that allows you to give your full, undivided attention to your partner.
The ‘Enduring Love?’ study, led by Dr. Gabb and others at The Open University, found that loving a partner “warts and all”, and accepting their quirks as part of what makes them who they are is the basis of lasting satisfaction in relationships.
“Leaning into your partner’s odd habits, embracing their quirky personality traits, and humoring their differences (as opposed to rolling your eyes or turning away) is one of the greatest acts of love in a relationship,” says Dr. Gabb.
A Brigham Young University study found that higher levels of materialism are associated with less satisfaction in a marriage. The researchers found that partners who focused on possessions rather than people ended up investing less time and energy into making their marriages successful.
Other studies support this. The ‘Enduring Love?’ study also found that partners don’t need materialistic things to feel loved.
“My research found that thoughtful gestures do not need to be expensive gifts but that it’s their personal meaning which is paramount,” says Dr. Gabb.
A study conducted by Faye Doell identified two different types of listening, ‘listening to understand’ and ‘listening to respond’. According to her findings, those who “listen to understand” have greater satisfaction in their relationships.
“I recommend that my clients practice active listening to their partners to do this,” says Anjula Mutanda, a couples therapist.
“This means looking each other in the eyes when you’re having a conversation, mirroring your partner’s body language, letting them finish what they have to say, and reflecting back what you have heard.”
Interrupting your partner can create substantial communication barriers in a relationship. Not only do interruptions cut off your partner mid-conversation which can cause them to feel less comfortable opening up, but over time a partner’s interruption can erode trust, causing one partner to perceive the other isn’t actively listening, or that they value their experience less.
You can have a deeper connection with your partner by being present. “Binge-watching boxsets and sitting next to each other staring at your smartphones isn’t promoting bonding or closeness,” says Mutanda.
“These are distractions. Bad communication habits that are left unchecked can cause your relationship to drift into the territory of intimate strangers. Instead, prioritize being present and pay attention to each other — this way you’ll be mindful of your actions, show your partner you value them, and cherish what you have."
Research on long-term relationships showed how dancing and being silly were used by couples in a variety of positive ways.
Playfulness in a relationship provides an opportunity for fun and frivolity, a moment of sensual intimacy, and a space in which to hold at bay “the blues”.
“So enjoy the moment, step out of those proverbial carpet slippers, and dance to ‘your tunes’ together,” says Dr. Gabb.
Dr. John Gottman found that 94% of the time, the tone a conversation starts with is the same one it will end with. Arguments often blow up because one partner escalates the conflict by making a critical or contemptuous remark.
Resolve to bring up issues gently and softly with your partner. Use “I statements” that encourage you to lead with your thoughts and feelings rather than placing blame and it will allow you to engage in constructive conversation calmly, even when you disagree.
Conventional wisdom suggests that more sex means greater happiness in a marriage. After all, sex releases endorphins and feel-good hormones that promote physical and mental well-being.
Yet, a study published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that couples who have sex weekly are the happiest; but that there was no link between more frequent sex and greater happiness.
Sexual desire naturally ebbs and flows over time, so as long as you’re maintaining an intimate connection with your partner then the number of times you have sex is good for you.
Although commonly viewed as something that can come between partners, science shows that friendships are hugely beneficial for relationships.
“The ‘Enduring Love?’ study found that friendships provide extraneous emotional support and validation, and help enable partners to retain an important sense of who they are, individually, within and outside the couple relationship,” says Dr. Gabb.
A Florida State study found that expressing anger via a heated yet honest conversation, despite causing discomfort short term, may benefit the health of the relationship in the long term.
There are plenty of studies that support this. Many people can find connection or excitement with another person, but the actual test of strong relationships, according to Gottman and others, is being able to express feelings honestly, "fight well" and resolve conflict.
When researchers at the University of Michigan studied almost 3,000 married couples, they found that those with similar drinking habits enjoyed happier lives together.
The study revealed that if one partner remained sober while the other enjoyed drinks, they weren’t as satisfied in their marriage. Cheers!
One study found that couple-focused pronouns such as "we," "our", and "us" helped partners get through disagreements with lower stress, while pronouns such as "I", "you", and "me" increased marital dissatisfaction.
Experts suggest that by using these pronouns we set in motion a ‘connectedness’ program in the brain (and body) so that — rather than being in survival mode (think: you against me) — we can be more creative, collaborative, and loving in our daily lives.
In her long-term study of relationships, Dr. Orbuch found that when couples avoid difficult discussions about money, religion, children, and in-laws, they are less happy over time.
The key here is not to wait for issues to arise, she says, instead, have these conversations regularly so there are no unwanted surprises, and “keep them positive so they don't feel like a chore, take breaks if you find yourselves getting angry or defensive, and strive to understand your partner’s point of view and reach a compromise, even when you disagree,” she says.
Couples who had friendships with other couples enjoyed happier marriages overall, according to research conducted out of the University of Maryland Baltimore.
These healthy couple friendships allow couples to experience a greater understanding of men and women in general and allow partners to observe the way other couples interact and negotiate differences.
The study also found these double dates to bring a fun and exciting quality into the relationship that increased partner attraction.
“Physical closeness expresses that we’re there for our partner; that they can trust us and have our support,” says Dr. Gabb.
A study from the University of North Carolina showed that when couples were instructed to hold hands while trying to solve a disagreement, they were far more likely to resolve their differences than another group of couples trying to do the same thing without the instruction to hold hands.
Furthermore, the couples who held hands showed lower stress levels and found a solution more quickly than the other group.
When facing conflict in a relationship, our minds are conditioned to generate a variety of explanations for our partner’s behavior, ranging from ones that are more… charitable (let’s say) to ones that quickly assign blame. Psychologists refer to this as our “attributional style”.
Past research has found that individuals with a hostile attributional style — those who go straight for a negative conclusion — tend to be less happy in a relationship. One study found that people with these tendencies were less likely to be happy in general. All the more reason to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
In the fog of everyday life, it can be easy to forget this one simple bit of relationship wisdom — say nice things to each other. Research finds that saying nice things to your partner not only reduces their cholesterol and stress levels, and boosts their immune system. But it also boosts yours.
“Make time to tell your partner why you love them and the positive things that they bring to you and your relationship — quirks and all,” says Dr. Welch, “it’ll do your relationship the world of good.
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